Random Stuff

Today is March 31, 2006, the last day of the month. In accounting, it’s D-Day. It amazes me that the same people who walk around like zombies the rest of the month, are capable of the mass mayhem involved with the end of month processing.

It’s not like it’s a complicated thing. You input. The computer processes. In the end, your numbers are there or they aren’t.

Hopefully, you’ve been doing what you should have been the rest of the month and you don’t have any problems, even if you screw it up, you can change the processing date on the computer and go back to fix it. You would think limbs will be lost or fire will reign down from the sky if we don’t hit a projected number.

Yesterday’s post has me thinking about things I never thought I’d have to say to my kids. Here are a couple of examples.

Did you wash your whole body? Did you use soap?

Did you brush your teeth with toothpaste?

Did you take a shower? Did you take a shower recently?


Tomorrow I get to chase Angelina around at an indoor petting zoo. She wants to go despite being scared of the animals so we’ll go. I figure it’s next door to the library which will enable me to return my books before the library police come after me. An indoor petting zoo, I can’t even imagine the smell. There will possibly be pictures if I can remember the camera. Although the pictures might be blurry from her running away but we’ll try.

Have a good weekend.

Yes I’m being lazy again and not using the template. Sue me. The inspiration for this thirteen is my children.

13 Things I said I would never say to my children but have.

1. When you break your neck don’t come crying to me. – I thought this was the stupidest statement when it was said to me. However, kids do dumb things and no matter how many times you tell them not to climb on something or not to jump off of something they will most likely try. You can hope they have common sense, but they don’t which is what brings on this statement.

2. How many times do I have to tell you (insert tirade)? - I don’t say this anymore since a child responded with 30.

3. Don’t you get tired of hearing me say (insert tirade)? - I don’t say this anymore since that same child (who is still living) said yes.

4. You don’t have to like It.-This statement brought to mind many smart-mouthed comebacks which I wisely kept to myself. However, I appreciate it now that there are many things I don’t like doing but still need to be done. Now I pass that life lesson on to my kids.

5. Are you going out like that?-Surprisingly this is said to my sons who have a fear of ironing and try to pass dresses of as t-shirts. They hate when I say that, or when I ask if they want pretty hair accessories to go with their dress. I will be so glad when this fad is over.

6. Is it my clean or your clean? –The first time I said this I flashed back to claiming my room was clean and than hearing the dreaded statement which meant it wasn’t.

7. Is that phone stuck to the side of your head? - I always told myself I would never give my kids a hard time about being on the phone. Good Lord though I didn’t expect them to become attached to it. There is no way I was on the phone that long. Frankly, half the time they are just listening to each other breath instead of actually conversing. For God Sakes, cut the cord.

8. You don’t pay any bills. - This is usually said to the child who has on the TV, computer, and stereo as well as every light in the house or is complaining.

9. This is my house, I let you live here-This is usually said to a child who is complaining about lack of privacy, my choice in music/television programming or just ranting in general.

10. Money doesn’t grow on trees.-When I heard this I thought it was dumb because I knew it grew in my father’s wallet. I find myself saying it to my children who constantly have a hand out for something.

11. What are you listening to? –Considering I like 50 Cent, DMX and assorted other rappers you would think that I’d heard it all. Alas, I haven’t and I find myself saying that as well as ‘turn that racket down’.

12. As long as you live in my house, you’ll do as I say- I actually updated this when my son told me he couldn’t wait to get his apartment so he didn’t have to clean his room. I informed him that I would always be his mother and if I came to his house he still had to do what I said.

13. Because I said so.-Nothing made me cringe more as a child than those words. This was the one thing I swore many, many times I would never say to my children. However, after being why’d to death or feeling that the explanation I had given was enough, I realized there are times when you make a decision and going into detail is not necessary.

As always if you play along, leave your link and I’ll link you.

Over the last few days I’ve been referred to as jaded and cynical. Actually it was too jaded and too cynical. I’m thinking Jade is a pretty name so I may just start using it.

In my defense, I do believe that most people can find their Prince/Princess Charming and live happily ever after. I also believe that with everything that life throws at you even ‘happily ever after’ has days that bite. The dark and brooding Prince Charming that you can’t wait to see at the end of the day or call during the day just to hear his voice can be a pain in the ass. There are days when dark and brooding are just sulking and annoying and you want to change the locks while he’s gone. Just as the doting and loving Princess you can’t get enough is needy and clingy on some days which has you fleeing the scene. What makes ‘happily ever after’ work, is working through those times.

Constant states of anything bother me. Constant happiness, constant sadness, it doesn’t matter. Life throws to many curves to be constantly anything. Yes, how you choose to deal with those curves can make a difference but hell even Job was sad. Furthermore, you never know what is going on with someone. Perhaps I watch too much television but what is the first thing people say when something happens. He/she seemed so happy. Look at the Minister’s wife being charged with murder. What is everyone saying, “They seemed so happy”. Either she snapped or they weren’t as happy as everyone thought.

Personally I like to think of myself as a realist. Whether or not the glass is half full or empty is irrelevant to me, I just want you to wash it when you’re done with it.

As of 2:30 this afternoon, AOL has still not updated my fantasy racing points. I can’t believe I scored so low that they won’t even update my score. I’m already at the bottom because I started 3 races into the season. Yes, that was my fault I kept forgetting until a friend reminded me that I said I would do it. Actually they called me and told me to get my sorry ass online and signup. See that is what I need. I don’t need friendly reminders. Friendly reminders I ignore.
Anyway, I am at the bottom of the barrel and people who have more points than me, which is everyone since I’m at the bottom, feel the need to taunt me. Apparently I need to remind a certain person that just because you are winning doesn’t mean diddly because you’re still a loser?

Saturday I had Board Development training from 9-1 with the emphasis on bored. While there I had an allergic reaction to of all things the magic markers. I wrote my name and started sniffing and coughing. What happened to the good old days when I would just get a buzz?

Saturday night Angelina went to my niece’s house for a sleepover. It was her first. It was also quite surprising since she still climbs into our bed in the middle of the night. According to reports though, she slept through the night with no tears.

Sunday I did nothing. Well I did take the trash out around 4 which threw my kids into shock, especially my daughter who couldn’t believe I went out looking like I did. I haven’t taken the trash out in years. At least 9 because we’ve been living in this house for 9 and this was my first time. The look on their faces when I said I would do it was priceless. They couldn’t figure out if they were in trouble or if I had lost my mind. I just wanted to get some fresh air but I let them wonder. It’s good for them.

Monday’s bite, but we all know that. I feel like I’ve been here for 600 hours instead of 6. I can’t believe there’s still 2 hours to go.

Today I put my phone on vibrate so even the calls I don’t want are bringing me joy.

Yeah, I’m in that kind of mood.

Have a good weekend.

In my old journal I did a post on naming co-workers. While avoiding the Moaning Lisa today I decided to update (with the help of some co-workers) that list and post it here.


Chicken Little-she will take something as mundane as parking and turn it into an issue on the level of the AIDS epidemic. She then will have to send an email out to all staff when it pertains to one maybe two people.

The Moaning Lisa-she starts the conversation with how much her life sucks, her job sucks, the day sucks and everyone around her sucks. There has never been an event in her life that brought her happiness. She will leave you feeling depressed, no matter how happy you were.

CSI Smith-not her real name of course because there is the possibility she could find this blog during one of her routine investigations and I do need this job until I win the lottery. If you have a mystery that needs solving, she's your man. If you need to know why someone was late, what they had for lunch or how long they were in the bathroom, she can quote these facts off the top of her head. On the off chance there is something she doesn't know, she will look it up on the internet for you (this is a good way to get rid of her) but only on her lunch hour because she is after all, a model employee.

Smokey the Bear-she seems to think she's here to smoke and in between she takes 2 fifteen minute breaks to do actual work. Anyone who smokes every hour on the hour should be required to bring in a doctors note.

Pollyanna Perpetrator-Pollyana walks around telling everyone to have a nice day while she plots how to stab you in the back.

Raptor Packs-These are pockets of people who alone are harmless but together are deadly. When alone they keep to themselves but put them with the rest of their pack and they attack any and everyone.

Billie Buttkisser-I’m using the name Billie because it’s a unisex name. This person bitches, moans and complains until someone from management is around and then they are the happiest employee in the office.

Weapons of Mass Destruction: these employees’ destructive behaviors work to always look good to senior management at the expense of fellow employees.

Dullards: people who can’t say hello unless they hear it first…people who eat the same lunch in the same chair every day…people who look & act as if being asked to do something out of their routine would be way too challenging. If you’re departing from your vehicle at the same time as these people, find something in your car to keep you occupied such as rearranging CDs, rifling thru your purse, evaluating used tissues for possible continued use, etc.

I Gave At the Office-people who never kick in for collections yet eat free food like they paid for it all.

Peter Pan: Looks like an adult, thinks and acts like a 5 year old.

Expiration Eddie: The new guy that comes in and you know he’ll only last a matter of hours.

Incontinent Betsy: Makes you wish someone would invent Depends for the mouth.

Ritalin Tom: Lock him in the room with Incontinent Betsy and watch the shit fly.

Phantom Phil- You’ve heard of him at your office but you’ve never actually seen him.


Do you have any in your office?

Over the weekend our accounting software was upgraded. That means Frank and Jim were here alone with access to my stuff. So far, I’ve gone to put my sweater on because as we all know, yesterday was the first day of spring so the air conditioning was turned on. It doesn’t matter that it was only 20 degrees outside, its spring, turn on the friggin air. Who cares if Stephaine’s hands are blue? Who cares if Stephaine now has a sore throat and runny nose? No one I tell you because the damn air is still on. Anyway, when I went to put my arm in my sweater it wouldn’t go in because someone binder clipped the sleeve shut. Actually that someone would be Frank because I did it to his coat one day.

Next I went to get a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup out of my desk. Yes, I have a stash in my desk. Trust me; those peanut butter cups have saved many a life in this office, especially at certain times of the month. It probably strikes some as odd that while they are asking me some asinine question, I open up my drawer and pull out a peanut butter cup. No, I don’t offer them any. Stupid people do not deserve chocolate. That peanut butter cup soothes the voice in my head that is saying, “Kill her/him”. Anyway, I open the wrapper and see a piece of paper. Actually there were a couple of crumpled post-its, a couple of pieces of file folder cut into small circles and a Leprechaun hat shaped pin I had on my desk. It was the exact weight of a peanut butter cup. The wrapper was smooth and glued like it had never been touched. It was pure and simple genius. The bastard.

Did I mention Frank threw a stress ball at me Sunday night? Yes, I was in the office on Sunday night. I volunteered (okay, I am getting paid for it) to come in and test their friggin upgrade at 6 o’clock on a Sunday. After spending 3 ½ long, drawn out hours here. Okay it wasn’t that bad. I watched some basketball, had some dinner, watched the Simpson’s, and did about 15 minutes of actual work. I was still here though and when I finally decided to leave; I spent 10 minutes looking for my coat because of course those 2 didn’t know what happened to it. I finally find it and am about to leave when Frank calls me. The next thing I know bang right in the arm. Apparently his form of relieving stress is throwing the stress ball at me. Rat bastard.

Those two have me leaning towards staying. After all, I do owe them.

There are times I look at you and I wonder what it is about you that I like. There are days I can't stand you. You can make me laugh till I cry than turn around and frustrate the hell out of me.

It's not surprising that people find you hard to figure out. As long as I've known you I still don't get you sometimes. You're caring and kind but would rather appear distant and apathetic.

I wonder about some of the decisions you've made. How many of them you really thought about and how many were just impulse? I wonder how you manage to give off the appearance of holding it together when inside you're cracking.

Fortunately for you I know enough about you to hang in there. I've seen you at your lowest. I know there are times you feel like you're slipping but you buckle down. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

So, as I stand there at times looking at you and wondering why I put up with your dumb-ass, I remember that you're funny, semi-intelligent, strong and most days independent. Most important though is the fact that I can count on you, I remember the days when I couldn't.

Finally, I wonder if I'm crazy for having this conversation with myself while standing in front of the mirror.

Dear Teacher,

Why must my child wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? Do we ask you to dress in authentic African attire for Kwanzaa? Do we ask that you wear a kilt and toss a tree for Scottish holidays whatever those are? Do we ask that you wear Indian headdress and moccasins when you go to the casino? Furthermore, do we ask that you wear a sombrero when you’re drinking at the bar for Cinco De Mayo? Okay, that’s a Mexican holiday not a Puerto Rican one. Although it doesn’t matter because we know if we go to that side of the U. S. we’ll be Mexican.

Frankly, Mrs. Teacher, if you are trying to teach diversity you should include all cultures not just the one’s they have parades for. No child should be anxious about being teased or ostracized for not wearing a green shirt. No parent should have to scramble to find a green shirt for their child to wear so they aren’t ostracized or teased. Really you’re pushing of the green is rivaling the Bloods and the Crips.

Finally, the cute shamrock with legs that I have hanging on my refrigerator is cute and she is wearing her green shirt but I would appreciate it if you would teach her who St. Patrick was and why he has a holiday instead of the commercialized aspects of it. Now, excuse me while I go find a green beer.

13 irritating things.


1. The socks I had on today. Not both of them just the right one. Friggin thing kept falling down making me feel like a senior citizen.

2. My glasses. I have transition lenses that aren't changing fast enough. I have to squint when I go out until they darken and I'm blind when I come back in until they lighten up.

3. People who drive with their high beams on. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want me to drive into you?

4. My glasses again. Now that I think about it that anti-glare crap ain't working like it used too. I think I might need new glasses.

5. Cable. A billion channels and there is nothing on.

6. The fact that I went to the grocery store for aluminum foil and sandwich bags and spent 65 dollars.

7. My kids. Geez, we're on our 7th gallon of milk since Monday. I need a cow.

8. My oldest daughter in particular who thinks I forgot that I told her to get the phone out of her room.

9. Candle parties. I went to one last night. While I had fun, I don't like the car salesman pressure. It's a friggin candle. I realize it's your livelihood and the hostess gets free stuff but it ain't that important to me so don't try and guilt me into buying more.

10. Candle lite candles in particular. Get a website so I can shop at my leisure and avoid the candle nazi.

11. My allergies. It figures the only candles that don't give me a headache and make me sneeze would be the ones I practically have to join a cult to buy.

12. People who do not hold the door, elevator, or give up their seat on public transportation for the elderly or disabled. You suck. You really do.

13. People who don't say please, thank you, bless you, your welcome, take their hat off when they enter a building, speak when they enter a room or exhibit any type of manners. Stop shaming your Mama.

Yesterday morning it was 52 degrees when I woke up. Today it was 27, windy and snowing. Mother Nature needs a Prozac.


My thoughts are scattered like the many different colors and designs of squares for a patchwork quilt. Lately I have no thread to sew them together to form anything whole. When I have managed to thread together a few squares, the finished product is usually not to my liking and I end up taking a seam ripper to it.


Damn. Now I have that Dolly Parton song Coat of Many Colors stuck in my head.

Okay, not my job but the people I work with. Okay not all the people but a good number of them.


Friday I found out that my employer is moving the office. My 10 minute walk or 2 minute drive will now become a 25-30 minute drive and walking is out of the question. For a small office, we have a lot of tension. There are a few rotten apples that create a negative environment. When the office moves, those rotten apples will travel with it. I’m not sure I want to go. OTOH, I’m not sure I want to start all over some place else. Perhaps I should make applesauce.

This made me laugh out loud. I was supposed to be working on something over the weekend but here's what I was doing. I can't even remember how many of these things I've done. If necessity is the mother of invention than procrastination is the father of it.

We survived the birthday but the birthday girl has developed severe heartburn. She's been suffering off and on since Tuesday. She did march in the St. Patrick's Day parade on Saturday like a trooper. Here's a tip, make sure the video camera is charged before taking it with you to tape something important. She went to the doctors Thursday and it looks like we'll be going back tomorrow. Hopefully, they can help. Watching your child suffer and being unable to stop it is the worse feeling.

It must surely be raining cats and dogs because I’ve got nothing. I’ve opened blogger a couple of times to post an entry and ended up staring at the screen. Nothing is wrong. I just don’t have anything to say. It’ll pass like a kidney stone and regular programming will resume. I hope. Thanks for the concern. It’s always nice to be missed.

Saturday, I left the youngest home with the 13 and 17 year old, while I went shopping with the birthday girl. Sometimes when I'm shopping with them I find myself overdoing it. I think I'm overcompensating, I'm not sure for what though. I must ponder. Anyway my overcompensating does not include paying 60 bucks for half a jean jacket. What is the purpose of a long-sleeved jacket that stops at your midriff? Are you cold or not? I don't get it.

When I got home the youngest informed me that she ate an uncooked TV dinner. My 13 year old did explain that 'it thawed out some'. Fortunately child services didn't come today. Not for the youngest but for the 13 and 17 year old she was home with. I must have dropped them on their head or something because the two of them don't have a whole brain between them.

Tomorrow is the girl's actual birthday. She will be, in the words of her brothers, sour 16. She's PMS'ing which means we may just crack her bedroom door open and throw cake and presents in. Trust me it's safer for all that way.

go here to watch my production and make your own hit. I got it from here.

Here’s a letter I wrote my sister during typing class when I was 16.

This 13 thing is getting old. However, in an effort (half-assed as it is) to stick with it here it is. Please pretend the Thirteen format is there while reading, I just don't feel like cutting (unless it’s one of my co-workers) and pasting.

Thursday Thirteen

13 things I do in the morning.



6: 15 wake up and hit the snooze button.

6:30 get up and wake up kids.

6:40 go to bathroom and begin to contemplate calling in.

6:45 threaten to spray kids with water if they don’t get up.

7:00 seriously contemplate calling in.

7:10 hand out money, sign mysterious papers that pop-up overnight because when I asked the night before they didn’t have anything, pull assorted pens, notebooks, snacks and money out of my ass because the lovely children didn’t mention they needed anything the night before when I asked.

7:15 tell son’s to hike up pants and daughter to put on more clothes.

7:20 shower and all that good stuff.

7:40 send Angelina to wash her face and brush her teeth.

7:45 contemplate what I would do if I called in.

7:50 wash Angelina’s face.

7:55 leave house.

7:56 go back because I forgot something.

7:57 leave house again.

8:15 arrive at work and wonder why I didn’t call in.

As always if you leave your link, I will post.

Trouble

Charles

Ma

While making my daily visit to Trouble's place I came across this link. I warn you the damn thing is addictive. Here are some of the slogans for my name, followed by my thoughts on it.


It's How Stephaine Is Done. Actually it's no one's business how I'm done.

Top Breeders Recommend Stephaine. Must be because of all the kids.

Did Somebody Say Stephaine? I hope it was Ed McMahon.

Can You Tell Stephaine From Butter? I had to throw that one in.

There's More Than One Way To Eat A Stephaine. Is that so?

No Stephaine, No Comment. Yeah, it's usually quiet when I'm not around.

It's Different in a Stephaine. I don't mean to brag.

Absolut Stephaine. hmm...vodka.

It's A Bit Of A Stephaine. Insult or compliment?

Don't You Just Love Being In Stephaine? Stop someone's going to get a swelled head.

I must stop now. I'm killing me.